My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
