Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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