do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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