she kept yelling 'call me bella'
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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