my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Randomize
