smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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