I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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