I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
