answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
