when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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