I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
