That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
