she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
