I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
