I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
