Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
