Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
