Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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