I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
