I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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