I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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