We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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