woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
