i don't like sucking hair
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
