You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
