If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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