when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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