You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
