Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
