there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
