Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
