WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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