Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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