Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
