two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
