so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
