You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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