I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
