dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
