I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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