I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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