Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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