Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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