I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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