yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Someone came in the potted fern
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
