Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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