I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
