My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
