$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
