gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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