I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
