my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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