When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i think i just lost a toe
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
